By Julie Smith, program coordinator, SESA
Many of our earliest — and most memorable — lessons in sharing,
trust, respect, patience, tolerance, jealousy, and frustration have been learned
through everyday experiences with brothers and sisters. We should expect no
less from siblings that have a brother or sister who experiences special needs.
In fact, we as parents and service providers need to heighten our sensitivity
to the sometimes subtle and well-hidden complexities a child with special needs
brings to the sibling relationship.
For over 10 years, I have been privileged to be invited into the homes and
lives of many Alaskan families. During this time, I have had the opportunity
to know the siblings of the children I’ve worked with and have observed
the spectrum of feelings and behaviors that siblings can experience. As with
typical sibling relationships, brothers and sisters of children with special
needs can motivate their siblings and facilitate on-going growth and development.
Siblings can be considered socializing agents, providing the first and possibly
most intense peer relationships children experience (Powell & Gallagher,
1993; Zukow, 1999). We cannot afford to disregard the incredible resource siblings
of special needs children represent.
However, the art is in the balance — we also cannot afford to place undue
stress on these sibling resources. Research shows that brothers and sisters
of children with special needs experience guilt, embarrassment, resentment,
and pressure to succeed (Meyer & Vadasy, 1994). All of these feelings are
typical, and it is important to let siblings know that it is okay to feel these
emotions regarding their brothers and sisters — and that those feelings
might change many times in the course of a single day.
Since attending a Pathways Conference session focusing on brothers and sisters
of children with special needs, I have made a conscious effort to include siblings
in my home visit plans. I often find that if I bring a book, puzzle or special
toy just for the sibling, they are very excited that they have been remembered
and this reduces the need to vie with their sibling for attention. It makes
a difference to parents, too — they appreciate the fact that their other
children are acknowledged and accepted as an intrinsic part of the family.
Knowledge of the unique concerns and opportunities siblings of children with
special needs experience has changed my perspective and enhanced my relationship
with siblings I meet in the course of my work.
Research has also found that siblings of children with special needs have unusual
opportunities throughout their lifetime. These include maturity, social competence,
insight, appreciation for their sibling’s abilities, tolerance, and pride
(Meyer & Vadasy, 1994). As parents, educators, therapists and medical providers
we, too, have the unique opportunity of reaching out to the siblings of those
in our care. It doesn’t take much effort to ask a sibling how they’re
doing, or thank them for all the things they do for their brother or sister;
the acknowledgment of their contributions, concerns and needs will enrich their
self-concept and well-being. It is my hope that the information in this insert
will help us reflect on the expectations held for siblings and create strategies
to provide them with encouragement and support.
References:
Meyer, D.J., & Vadasy, P.F. (1994). Sibshops: workshops for siblings of
children with special needs. Baltimore: Brookes.
Powell, T.H., & Gallagher, P.A. (1993). Brothers and sisters: A special
part of exceptional families(2nd ed.). Baltimore: Brookes.
Zukow, P.G. (Ed.). (1990). Sibling interaction across culture. New York: Springer-Verlag.
